Dear God, I do not understand the things that you make me go through.I have so many questions that I do not even know where to begin finding the answers for. I do not get why you allow me to break the way I am breaking.Sometimes I question your love.I question your existence.If you are real and if you love me the way the book claims,then why do I break so badly?So often?Why?

Sometimes I question myself.Have I done things so horrible that makes me deserving of these wounds? Am I not worth any to you? Do I even matter?

Dear God,do you hear me when I cry? Do you see me bleed while I try to get up daily? Do you feel my anguish? Do you even care?

I am tired.My heart,my body and my spirit are tired. I feel hallow.I feel empty. People tell me that only you the fill this void so I seek you out. Why don’t I feel you anymore? Why do you let me walk alone?Or even if you don’t, why do you allow me to feel this lonely? Are you even there?

As I lay today broken and wounded I take comfort knowing that your love for me is enough to bring healing. I try to remind myself that you heal.Dear God when?When will you heal me?

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30 Kilometers

The last photo I took the last time we were together.

I keep asking myself so many different times how many more heartbreaks?How much more tears and what do I need to do to make this stop?More importantly,when?

It is not so much as the letting go that ruins.That I have had practice on- on so many people and so many things.I am no expert in letting go but it is never the hardest part.Yes it is difficult but not the most.The hardest part is losing hope.Losing hope on situations getting better,losing hope on people coming back,losing hope on love being reciprocated. Losing hope on love.It is losing hope that truly changes people.It changes your direction,changes how you react to things.It changes the heart.

I remember when we started I was very scared but the strong longing to see what lies ahead kept me adamant. “What lies ahead” was all that I was hanging on to.It kept me walking forward when things started falling out of place and even when things started falling apart. I was holding on with hopes that love would win and hearts would heal as we move closer to wherever I imagined we were heading.I was foolishly optimistic.

It was hope that made me go back and forth.It was hope that made me ignore the wounds and wipe the tears and kept running even when it started to hurt like shit.It was hope that broke my heart.Now that that hope is gone the pain lingers and the heart continues to break.How ironic.

The last photo I took the last time we were together.May this be the last time I let go of you. May this be the last.

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Grief and All Its Glory

It rained not for the man she lost but for the woman she has become.

She grieve because anything good enough to make her smile the way she did is always worth grieving for.

That’s the thing about goodbyes.You struggle to let go.You struggle to hold on.

They say that a broken heart is better than a broken pride.Well,she had both broken but not her soul and not her spirit.

Today she will leave the memories behind. She will start picking up the pieces of whatever is left of her.

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Sugba Lagoon-Del Carmen,Siagao

It’s been a while since I wrote my anguish. Each time I do it feels like a piece is taken off the real thing that beats and when the heart heals and regrows it is never as good as before it got broken.

More than the pain of a broken heart my fear has always been getting exhausted.

What if I love so many wrong people and I give them each a piece of my heart and when the right person comes there is nothing left to give?

What if I get bruised so much in the process of learning that when the time comes yes I may be wiser but I would be too calloused to still feel?

What if my broken heart does not heal?

What if I will always be broken?

What if the right person comes when I have become the wrong person?

They say that it is our decision to chose what we become.That we can choose how to cope and choose how to move forward. But isn’t evolution a gradual,very slow process? What if the tiny acts of grieving that seem minute while I am mourning becomes who I am? Am I not the product of the things that I had to go through and the decisions that I made along the way?

I say a broken heart rarely thinks while it grieves. By the time this is through what I will be is a remnant of a person who went through battles and lost. What I will be is a person who is scarred thoroughly.Yes I will survive and maybe I will rise up stronger but if you see through a scarred person you will see remnants of wounds that she wish she did not have to suffer.

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Grief And All Its Glory

Photo: StaFe Beach-Bantayan Island 02/2013

Today I realize what this is I am going through.The heartache and the loneliness that goes on and on,the emptiness,the void,the anger and all the backward steps,I think I know what this is.I am mourning the lost of someone I love so much.

I grieve for the friend who will never again share my good days.I cry for a confidant who will no longer be there to comfort me in my darkest nights.There will be no more new memories of us.Just those old ones I choose to remember.Those memories that hurt too much,I will try my hardest to forget.

The saddest part about grieving is the void it leaves in a person’s heart.Everyday I feel like something is missing.I feel like all the tears I cry would never be enough to wash away all the bitterness.It feels like no matter how much I try not to wallow in despair,no matter how I try not to nurture the heartache,it eats me up completely and that emptiness is magnified the harder I try to ignore it.

Some days I walk and I look around for him.I know he wont be there.He is never coming back but my heart keeps wishing.I pass by our happy place and I wish we can be happy in that same place again.Some days my mind just push away reality and just choose to float in the memories of how things were,how his skin felt,how he smelled,how he made me feel safe and happy.Some days I just wanna stay in the illusion and not go through with life without him.Some days I hope I can go back.Some days I hope I can just move forward.

The most difficult thing about grieving is the struggle to hold on and the struggle to let go.I wish I can hold him again just one last time but I am afraid that if I do it might not be enough.I need to rebuild my dreams and rearrange my life.I need to keep reminding myself that he is gone for good.I need to keep telling myself that enough is enough.I need to stop struggling.I need to move past the anger.I need to forgive those who hurt me and forgive myself for allowing them.

Today I realize what I am going through.I am grieving the death of a love I hoped was my last.

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Day 3

When a man gives up, it’s because he found another.When a woman lets go,it’s because she is tired of getting hurt.

I never thought loving could be so tiring. I feel like I’m all dried up after all the crying,I’m all spent. My heart is not empty. I love him still.With all my heart I do. I should pray that God will make me happy but instead I pray for God to let him find happiness even if it’s not with me.

People say I have every right to hate. Maybe I do but I can’t love and hate at the same time.

 

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